“Okay, I’ll see you then”,
Prepped, ready and with your sexy boxers on. You turn off the lights to your apartment, about to head out to meet her and you get the text message every single man has received.
“Hey, I am not going to be able to make it tonight. Sorry”.
As men we carry the burden of setting up and arranging dates (most of the times). Unfortunately, with that responsibility, comes the fact that a fair amount of your dates are not going to hold up (or they didn’t in the past). I am going to give you the ONLY 3 reasons why a woman would flake out on a date and give you solutions to prevent it in the future. While this will not give you a 100% flake free method, it will help to reduce the missed connections a tremendous amount. Learning this craft could be the single most important skill set you can learn in the digital dating era. It can be summed up in three different reasons.
Interest Level, Comfort, Convenience
Sorry guys, you need to step up your game when it comes to setting plans. I know, because I’ve seen your text message screen shots. Saying “Lets meet up for drinks”, is a line that she has heard from every single guy, probably today. “Coffee dates” are also on that bland date idea. While I will say the act of meeting up with someone for drinks at a bar is a fine idea, it comes down to the presentation of the plan. Women are emotional creatures and if you can embark on her curiosity and intrigue you have a better chance of meeting up with them.
While I am not a fan of giving examples, I would much rather give you principals to base your actions on. However my best first date idea, that gave me almost 0 flake rate was the famous Salvation Army Date. I would ask “Do you have $10? Because I have the funnest date idea you have ever heard.” They would always say yes and what the idea was. I would then say “You have $10, and I have $10. We go to Salvation Army, you pick the clothes/accessories that I have to wear and try on. I pick the clothes/accessories you have to wear/try on. The more ridiculous the better. We only have $10 to spend on each other and you can not go over that $10. After we get our outfits, we go on an adventure on the town.
This idea is something that they have never heard, it is something that is original, it has very vivid imagery and it showcases my personality. I am not saying to use this idea, but rather come up with something that is interesting.
Interest level also deals with the fact of how interested she is into meeting new people. She could be going through a break up, is in the middle of seeing someone at the moment, she has awkward living situation, or has kids and is looking for a specific type of person. Her interest level in meeting up with new people is based on her availability emotionally, mentally, and physically. At the end of the day, she has to do a lot less work to fill her social stimulation with her smart phone.
Solution: Screen your date and be able to find a solution that accommodates her situation. Find out if she has just been in a long term relationship, find out if she is seeing someone seriously, find out if she has children, find out if she has social anxiety, find out if she likes adventurous things or is more into comfort low key ideas. When you find out what would motivate this person, form a date that would resonate with them.
Interest level is also applied to how interested she is in you personally. One of the biggest things I coach my guys on is to break the mold, and be interesting. Being different, clever, funny and intriguing are some of the most sought after personality traits a man can have in the dating market. When a woman finds a man that beats to a different drum, and is working towards a passion, it brings about attention. While this subject is not only based on how emotionally attractive you are, it also has to do with how physically attractive you are. Do you spark flairs into her subconscious mind? How many other guys are asking her out and what makes you different? When a woman meets up with you, she is figuring out if you would match her personality and life style. If she feels that you do not, it makes it hard for her to justify her meeting up to spend time with you. There can be sexual surface level attraction, but the women that have a clear vision of what they want in a man will be very difficult to get out, because sometimes you do not fit that picture.
Solution: When you get beyond the surface level attraction that comes from “looks”, you will find the part that is defined with how you see the world and how you see yourself. I’ve always said “You will only attract what you are and what you are willing to accept”. Granted, this is a whole new subject and requires a book all in itself, but you have to ask yourself. “What are you doing to become a more attractive person?” Sometimes this has to do with looks, a lot of times it has to deal with who you are beyond your flesh.
It amazes me the amount of empathy men lack when it comes to talking to women. I didn’t really see the epidemic problem until I started advertising my business on online dating platforms. The two biggest fears that women have when it comes to meeting up with a random guy off the internet are rape and murder. Those are the two major themes in any horror movie. The news reports, or the personal stories that we have been told, brings up a major concern. These are scenarios that are very top of the mind, if you think I am making this up, ask any woman. So you ask, what does this have to do with setting up dates? Guys, you have no penis when it comes to setting up a first date. What I mean by that is, the more you talk about sex the less likely a woman is to meet up with you; especially for the first time. The more you talk about sexual endeavors, or make sexual innuendos, the more likely she is to not meet you. Men can be so insecure that we feel we have to know for sure that something is going to go down if we meet up. Rather than let any organic attraction take place, we take it upon ourselves to make sure if we meet up, that something is going down. While this method of screening women will work, it will require a large number of women you would need to talk to. Frankly, I think it is disrespectful, and dehumanizes women as a whole. Not to say that women can’t be forward, because a small minority appreciate that forwardness on text with a random stranger they have never met. Just understand that this small percentage are very unlikely to meet up with you. A woman needs to know that if she says “No” to you, that you will stop. If you put too much pressure on the meet up, she will lose comfort in meeting up with you.
Solution: Do not talk about sex, do not bring it up, do not make any conversation about sex. If jokes are made about it on her end, do not feed into it. Trust me. When a woman feels like she can have you, you lose part of your mystery. By not playing into it, you also display that you are different than most guys. Most guys jump to the opportunity to talk about sex. You’re not most guys. Please understand this lack of conversation about sex applies only to the text messages before you initially meet up. The sexual tension should be built in person. You will still need to progress the date to show her that you are interested and depending on what you are looking for in terms of women, you will need to still lead the interaction to where you guys are both naked together.
One major way that you blow your chances with a first date is your approach with initiating the date/conversation. I have seen the walls of one sided texts from the man who is begging to get a response. I have seen the man who has a completely open schedule that lacks personal drive, goals and future. The guys who put one girl on a pedestal because of her looks, the men who can’t take a hint, and also the men who turn into little pissy babies when she doesn’t reply immediately. There is nothing cute or attractive about reactive approach.
Solution: All relationships (professional or personal) are built on collaboration. As soon as you become reactive and forceful, you have lost. Develop a dialogue that requires intrigue and interest. If she hasn’t responded to you, it is because she has put you in a box associated with most men. A fair amount of guys are boring. Main thing I teach is the difference between “needy” and “Persistent”. Needy means you are communicating in a reactive manor, you have established that this is not a mutual value exchange and you are begging for her time. She is not investing into you because you blur with other people. Persistent on the other hand, is the knowledge of being able to follow up in a tactful and interesting way. It shows that you care enough to message but you will not be upset if she does not reply back. A fair amount of my first dates included activities that I would have done whether she was there or not. You do not need that person, but you would like that person to be included. When I am reopening dialog with a female I try to find three elements of intrigue that would conduce a response, mostly filled with vivid imagery, exaggeration, or a personal inside joke between the two of you.
Comfort also addresses the issues have when they are communicating with you in non sexual ways. I’ve seen some peculiar conversations that include their ex girlfriend, eating boogers, and dead cats. These are typically not the best textual topics to bring up before first dates, or in general. While I would never advise to change who you are for someone, you should learn a bit of tact and class. There is a thin line between funny and disgusting. It will take a special woman who will appreciate selfies while you’re taking a dump. Understand, most women do not want to be embarrassed, if you are embarrassing she will associate that with discomfort and will wonder if you will even be suitable to be out in public with her. She does not want to watch you cry over a basket of buffalo chicken wings or watch you proudly pass gas. I wish I made these stories up.
Solution: Comfort is all about how she feels about you and the situation. It should be welcoming, safe and clear. I’d ask yourself if you are actually ready to even be dating after a break up. While this one should be a given, I will end it with. Don’t be disgusting or too over the top.
Stop making it so hard to go on a date with you. Guys wonder why the girl doesn’t follow through with plans when she has to drive an hour out of her way, immediately after a Tuesday work day. Most times it is just easier to not leave the house to entertain some random dude, especially if it is out of her way. This is why it is imperative that you make the process of meeting you as simple as possible.
Solution: Set dates near her house/location. I usually build enough trust and comfort to just go to their house and pick them up there. I also find out if they are the type of person who likes things to be planned for them, or if they want a say in what they do on the date. I’ve done both. Be a man who can make a plan. Find out what would be interesting or different, that is near their location. If they want a say in the plan, it is good to have a few ideas and allowing her to choose which of those ideas she would like. Also, plan a date that flows with her schedule, especially something that lines up for work. She is unlikely to meet you on Wednesday for drinks when she has to be up early for work.
Convenience also touches on the situation they are in. Maybe she just broke up with a boyfriend, maybe she has a sickly mother who is living with her. It could be that you have completely opposite work schedules, could be that she is a single mother and does not have a ton of freedom. Unfortunately, this type of thing exists, and it is sometimes completely out of your control.
Solution: Screen your dates, find availability that works for everyone. Also don’t try and date people who live too far away. This is also where being persistent works in your favor. It is easy for busy people to have things organically come up in their schedule. It also helps to not set dates that require a lot of time to complete.
Understanding the problem is the first step towards success. With our growing trend of instant gratification, and constant fake digital stimuli, it is important to learn the reasons why women are not following through with dates. Learning why they do, will make it much easier to execute in the future.